so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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