well I can't set my house on fire every night
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
