They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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