Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
