i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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