WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
