Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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