Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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