Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
