I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
