She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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