hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
