New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
