sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
