apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
