So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
