You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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