Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
