Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Small penises have feelings too.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
