I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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