He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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