you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
