Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
