Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
