She's JV to your varsity
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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