Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
