I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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