remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
