Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
