Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
