shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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