I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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