I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She's the barista slut.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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