Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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