i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
no, he came in my armpit
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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