Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
