my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
