i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
