she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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