Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
