dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
