Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
