dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
