I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
