first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
