i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
pray to the hookup gods
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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