I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
