Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
