I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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