There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
