you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Are we still banned from the library?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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