Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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