There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I touched a dick in church today
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
