when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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