just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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