Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
