it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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